A Matter of Perspective
Being With vs Doing For

Into Action
Take action now. Start with incorporating your family in the process.

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Being With vs Doing For

“Are you going to sit down and eat with us mom?” my five-year-old daughter said in surprise as I sat down at the table for dinner. That simple question was like a two by four to the head. The realization that I spend dinner time mostly on my feet running back and forth to keep everyone supplied, as well as trying to knock out the dishes, was not a happy one. I had one of those uncomfortable moments when I saw something I wasn’t even conscious of, that kind of awakening where you kick yourself for not seeing it sooner! My efforts to be a great mom and partner were taking me off track - imagine that. My motives were certainly good: Keep the family running smoothly and make sure everyone has everything they need. However, what became apparent in that moment, is that my family really needs for me to BE WITH them rather than DO FOR them. 

Once I stopped beating myself up, I saw all kinds of great new opportunities to be more of the mom I know I can be (and want to be). I became extremely aware of all the ways that I get too focused on Doing For, rather than Being With. I started to shift in small ways, not necessarily letting go of what I need to get done, but finding ways to have the children do it with me. I found there is a trade-off, trips to the grocery store and setting the table now take longer and I have to let go of perfection. But I also feel fully present with my kids, which they are soaking up. This lesson has spilled over into my other relationships and I honestly enjoy my life more because of it. I can’t remember who said it, but it resonates deeply with me: “We are human beings, not human doings.”

Take action now.

To make this really simple, I suggest you start with incorporating your family into the process…because asking you not to do something that needs to get done would not be realistic!

Identify two things that you DO FOR your family. Some examples may be: fixing dinner, grocery shopping, getting lunches ready, folding laundry etc.

Now challenge yourself to think of ways to involve the rest of your family.  For example, my daughter loves to play in water, so I used plastic plates for dinner and let her do the dishes. It must have taken her 45 mins but she loved it and felt so proud to help me.

Nancy Arruda
Bees Knees Books

Inspired by the joy of reading and sharing children's books, Nancy Arruda started Bees Knees Books in 2007 with her sister, Kim Baise, to encourage and support new and aspiring children's book authors and illustrators. Their debut title, Maybelle, Bunny of the North by Keith Patterson is due out Fall 2008 and will be available for purchase at their website, Bees Knees Books as well as select independent bookstores.

Nancy has degrees in Art History and Elementary Education, which she discovered is a great combination for developing and publishing picture books! She is also a member of SCBWI, the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and IBPA, the Independent Book Publishers Association. For recommendations on some fantastic read-alouds and delicious picture books for young children, visit their blog, Bees Knees Reads.

1. What is your top tip for balancing it all?
I have at least three jobs when I think of it, full-time mom/ teacher, small business owner, so I have to find balance in the mix. Developmentally my girls are learning and moving fast and I have to re-define balance every month to keep up with their ever changing needs! Acoustic music, blogging about children's books with my sister, and good coffee keep my feet on the ground.

2. How has being a mother impacted your success?
Wow! Being a mother spun me around twice. I really had to get clear about what I wanted. Publishing picture books was the obvious answer when I saw what could be shared. Literacy and artistic expression are very important to me and I wanted to follow through with a business that supported those fundamentals. I hope my children will see a working mother who loves what she does so they will seek out their dreams too.

3. What is your best mommy moment?
My husband was working in Portland and while he was in meetings I took our 2 and 4 year old girls out exploring in the double stroller. We had so much fun taking the subway, visiting the zoo and children's museum. We were all enjoying the spontaneity of the day and the best part was going back to the hotel to jump on the bed : ) I think my best mommy moments are those when I'm really in the moment with them.

90 Day Moms In Balance Coaching Groups launching in September!

Offered as a tele-class and in-person (in Half Moon Bay)

You will walk away from this affordable group coaching experience with:

- A clarified work/life vision
- Tools for managing guilt, fear and stress
- The ability to say "no"
- An extreme self-care practice
- A detailed plan with accountability